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Dec. 20th, 2015 10:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
clearasmud[ On top of of Reaver's desk, there sit some letters. ]
A general letter to everyone's who's left,
I wanted to make this letter general, but I can't stop thinking about how there are definitely two ways I might die, and how I'd have a different message in each case. So that's what I'll be doing, before I go back to writing a letter that really IS general.
If I'm murdered:
...I don't know.
I'll be screaming at my killer in the afterlife for sure, but they won't be around anymore to read this note. So I don't... I don't know what to say to just the people left.
I've never been innocent before. So. It's weird and painful to think about an innocent death.
If I mess up:
I'm sorry. I can be careless, and sometimes I rush into things, charge forward rashly without having thought enough. And honestly, I just have plain bad luck! That's why I think the shadow monster getting me is a distinct possibility. I'll be embarrassed, and definitely regretful, but...
Anyway. Back to the general letter.
When I picture my death, there are some things that make me nervous. What if I don't make it to where the others are? What if there was something about my soul that made it different, prevented it from going to them? What if I'm trapped somewhere horrible, alone? I have no way of knowing the answer to that until I die, and by then...
The other thing that makes me nervous is how my death could affect the living. We'll get to how I feel in a moment but I have to talk about this first, you'll understand why.
Anyway. You'll probably be sad, given that Cabanela screams "NOOOO!" every time, for everyone. So I think, even if I wouldn't expect it - you'll be sad. At the time of my writing this, the group has so many good people. It's an overwhelming amount, honestly. I feel a little uncomfortable being around you all because of it. I have no one to be myself around anymore. It's surprisingly tiring. I never thought about what that might be like, because I never pictured myself being in that kind of situation - so it's very much a surprise to me, even if it automatically makes sense to whoever's reading this. You're so quick about things like that.
Right, sadness. Getting back on track - so I'm nervous that my death will be another hit, and you'll be demoralized further again. I DON'T WANT THAT! IF YOU'RE DEMORALIZED, THERE'S FAR LESS CHANCE OF YOU SUCCEEDING IN REVIVING US ALL! HOW DO YOU THINK I CAN BE SO CAVALIER ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?! There are many reasons, some of which I'll explain, BUT BELIEVING THAT I'LL BE BROUGHT BACK WITH THE OTHERS IS BY AND FAR THE BIGGEST!!!!!!!!!
That's why I'm sorry I'm dead, especially if it was my own fault. I don't want to risk our chances at success at all!!! This is very important to me!!!!!! So please!!!!
Well, I'm not useless, I have something to tell you that'll help with that. I tried to find opportunities to tell as many people as I could last week, but I didn't get everyone. You could use it in writing, anyway.
I spent the week after Logan died wishing someone would save me. That someone - a hero, I guess - would come in, revive everyone, solve all the mysteries, before finally delivering us all to safe places where we could be happy.
...It's more embarrassing than you might suspect to admit that, because I've never been one for daydreaming. Never. Even though I've apparently been alive for 600 years. If I wanted something, I could play [ ...but that part is heavily crossed out. ] ...I guess I was affected more by his death than I realized. [ Youko still had many secrets, the living will have to assume. ] I'm getting sidetracked.
The point is that between the sixth investigation and trial, I suddenly thought "I wish that hero was me". Me from the future, come back to save us all, or whatever. Something like that. I was stressed.
Then I thought, "what if I was her?" We've all lost our memories - what if I'd succeeded at making contact with observant's god, but the best deal I could make was 'give me a chance to do things over, because I know I'll do them better this time around' and that's the deal I got, whether or not I knew I'd lose my memories along the way.
I'm glad I was stressed and had those thoughts, because I decided I was going to act as if I was her, from now on. That 'hero' me. I'd act like I'd been sent back to do things over, do things better, even if I had lost my memories of "last time". After all, I had no way of knowing whether it was true or not, did I? So I might as well act as though it was.
I'm sorry if this is your first time hearing this; it has a lot more power in a one-on-one conversation. All the same, everyone, whenever you find yourself struggling - act as though this is your second chance. Your chance to do things better. And don't interpret that as a reason to be discouraged because there are only10 eight people left, because you haven't reached the end yet! YOU HAVEN'T HIT THE POINT WHERE YOU'VE LOCKED YOURSELVES OUT OF BRINGING EVERYONE BACK ! Be sad then, and no earlier! Got it?
Keep going. Be the hero you. Proceed like this is your chance to do things better. (And if that's only depressing, think to yourself that your 'last time', there was only you left.10 Eight people is already 1000% 800% percent better than your last time. Be proud. And then come and save us.)
[ There's still space on whatever numbered page Youko wrote that on, but the letter starts again on a separate piece of paper ]
This is the part where I (finally) talk about my own feelings, so I put it here for the people who aren't interested.
If my death only affected me - I'm glad. It means I did my best, and I did my best until the moment I died. I can be proud. And relieved, because now I don't have to try so hard anymore. I don't play a part in bringing back the dead anymore, there's nothing for me to mess up. And death should return our bodies to the way they were, (because why WOULDN'T it) so if anything I'm supremely useful dead! I can utilize kitsunebi, you know!I can make the shadow monster back off, while the others protect me and fight it! It'll be AWESOME. And I'll be so, so glad to finally be able to be a fox again. I only told one person, but this whole time I've felt like a prisoner in my own body. I haven't been able to be me. It hurt. And it never really got better, even as the weeks went by. I've missed my proper body so much. Not enough to die!!! I had too many important things to live for!!!
...But I'll cry when I can be me again, all the same.
I've gotten distracted again,but because it's somewhat relevant I suppose it can stay. All the same, it's back to emotions, not unverified fantasy.
...It's a shame the ghosts can die again, because being in a place where my friends can't die sounds like heaven.
Human death is just another fact of life. All the same, it would be wonderful if my human friends didn't have to die, and I could be with them forever.
I'm not sad I'm dead. When you can potentially live millenia, you tend not to be unhappy about the end. I only care about living well while I'm alive. If living safely means living unhappily forever, the whole affair becomes sort of pointless.
(...As an unimportant aside. I used to feel otherwise, actually. I lived, lonely, for centuries - but I lived. Afraid and unhappy, not risking anything.
That was my life, and it took my best friend back home forcibly pulling me into his for things to change.
Thank you, Kan-chan. I know he knew my heart, so I never needed to say it, and he died knowing it - but thank you. Thank you all the same. I can't think too much about him, because I can't let myself feel my pain right now, while we still have such important work to do. Otherwise, I would have liked to tell people about him.
I'll mourn him properly when I can.)
I guess this isn't so emotional after all. Sorry.
Bakugou is in charge of the things I've been safekeeping for the dead. There's no one I trust more with others' possessions. He proved that to me, this week. (Also the yukata Blue made for me, because it's lovely and I want it back. Also the sakura he gave me, because I want that back too, because it meant a lot to me.)
A lot of it isn't important, or it should BE with someone (like the scarf Ashley gave me) and it'd be nice if everyone took whatever they wanted for themselves.
A general letter to everyone's who's left,
I wanted to make this letter general, but I can't stop thinking about how there are definitely two ways I might die, and how I'd have a different message in each case. So that's what I'll be doing, before I go back to writing a letter that really IS general.
If I'm murdered:
...I don't know.
I'll be screaming at my killer in the afterlife for sure, but they won't be around anymore to read this note. So I don't... I don't know what to say to just the people left.
I've never been innocent before. So. It's weird and painful to think about an innocent death.
If I mess up:
I'm sorry. I can be careless, and sometimes I rush into things, charge forward rashly without having thought enough. And honestly, I just have plain bad luck! That's why I think the shadow monster getting me is a distinct possibility. I'll be embarrassed, and definitely regretful, but...
Anyway. Back to the general letter.
When I picture my death, there are some things that make me nervous. What if I don't make it to where the others are? What if there was something about my soul that made it different, prevented it from going to them? What if I'm trapped somewhere horrible, alone? I have no way of knowing the answer to that until I die, and by then...
The other thing that makes me nervous is how my death could affect the living. We'll get to how I feel in a moment but I have to talk about this first, you'll understand why.
Anyway. You'll probably be sad, given that Cabanela screams "NOOOO!" every time, for everyone. So I think, even if I wouldn't expect it - you'll be sad. At the time of my writing this, the group has so many good people. It's an overwhelming amount, honestly. I feel a little uncomfortable being around you all because of it. I have no one to be myself around anymore. It's surprisingly tiring. I never thought about what that might be like, because I never pictured myself being in that kind of situation - so it's very much a surprise to me, even if it automatically makes sense to whoever's reading this. You're so quick about things like that.
Right, sadness. Getting back on track - so I'm nervous that my death will be another hit, and you'll be demoralized further again. I DON'T WANT THAT! IF YOU'RE DEMORALIZED, THERE'S FAR LESS CHANCE OF YOU SUCCEEDING IN REVIVING US ALL! HOW DO YOU THINK I CAN BE SO CAVALIER ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?! There are many reasons, some of which I'll explain, BUT BELIEVING THAT I'LL BE BROUGHT BACK WITH THE OTHERS IS BY AND FAR THE BIGGEST!!!!!!!!!
That's why I'm sorry I'm dead, especially if it was my own fault. I don't want to risk our chances at success at all!!! This is very important to me!!!!!! So please!!!!
Well, I'm not useless, I have something to tell you that'll help with that. I tried to find opportunities to tell as many people as I could last week, but I didn't get everyone. You could use it in writing, anyway.
I spent the week after Logan died wishing someone would save me. That someone - a hero, I guess - would come in, revive everyone, solve all the mysteries, before finally delivering us all to safe places where we could be happy.
The point is that between the sixth investigation and trial, I suddenly thought "I wish that hero was me". Me from the future, come back to save us all, or whatever. Something like that. I was stressed.
Then I thought, "what if I was her?" We've all lost our memories - what if I'd succeeded at making contact with observant's god, but the best deal I could make was 'give me a chance to do things over, because I know I'll do them better this time around' and that's the deal I got, whether or not I knew I'd lose my memories along the way.
I'm glad I was stressed and had those thoughts, because I decided I was going to act as if I was her, from now on. That 'hero' me. I'd act like I'd been sent back to do things over, do things better, even if I had lost my memories of "last time". After all, I had no way of knowing whether it was true or not, did I? So I might as well act as though it was.
I'm sorry if this is your first time hearing this; it has a lot more power in a one-on-one conversation. All the same, everyone, whenever you find yourself struggling - act as though this is your second chance. Your chance to do things better. And don't interpret that as a reason to be discouraged because there are only
Keep going. Be the hero you. Proceed like this is your chance to do things better. (And if that's only depressing, think to yourself that your 'last time', there was only you left.
[ There's still space on whatever numbered page Youko wrote that on, but the letter starts again on a separate piece of paper ]
This is the part where I (finally) talk about my own feelings, so I put it here for the people who aren't interested.
If my death only affected me - I'm glad. It means I did my best, and I did my best until the moment I died. I can be proud. And relieved, because now I don't have to try so hard anymore. I don't play a part in bringing back the dead anymore, there's nothing for me to mess up. And death should return our bodies to the way they were, (because why WOULDN'T it) so if anything I'm supremely useful dead! I can utilize kitsunebi, you know!
...But I'll cry when I can be me again, all the same.
I've gotten distracted again,
Human death is just another fact of life. All the same, it would be wonderful if my human friends didn't have to die, and I could be with them forever.
I'm not sad I'm dead. When you can potentially live millenia, you tend not to be unhappy about the end. I only care about living well while I'm alive. If living safely means living unhappily forever, the whole affair becomes sort of pointless.
(...As an unimportant aside. I used to feel otherwise, actually. I lived, lonely, for centuries - but I lived. Afraid and unhappy, not risking anything.
That was my life, and it took my best friend back home forcibly pulling me into his for things to change.
Thank you, Kan-chan. I know he knew my heart, so I never needed to say it, and he died knowing it - but thank you. Thank you all the same. I can't think too much about him, because I can't let myself feel my pain right now, while we still have such important work to do. Otherwise, I would have liked to tell people about him.
I'll mourn him properly when I can.)
I guess this isn't so emotional after all. Sorry.
Bakugou is in charge of the things I've been safekeeping for the dead. There's no one I trust more with others' possessions. He proved that to me, this week. (Also the yukata Blue made for me, because it's lovely and I want it back. Also the sakura he gave me, because I want that back too, because it meant a lot to me.)
A lot of it isn't important, or it should BE with someone (like the scarf Ashley gave me) and it'd be nice if everyone took whatever they wanted for themselves.
individual letters
Date: 2015-12-21 11:31 am (UTC)They're ashes in the incinerator.Each one sits in an envelope with the intended recipient's name, and ends with "- Youko". ]
to Weiss
Date: 2015-12-21 11:32 am (UTC)to Blue
Date: 2015-12-21 11:34 am (UTC)Well, I'll leave you with something you CAN use: you're someone who can always get back up, can always recover from setbacks and mistakes. I know you know that, and I'm sure you tell yourself that, but here it is in writing, for those times when the world gets so loud you can't bloody think. The world can be annoying like that!
Please keep trying to save us.
to Susan
Date: 2015-12-21 11:36 am (UTC)Things will be different when the ghosts are alive again, at least. Please don't give up before then.
to Sol
Date: 2015-12-21 11:38 am (UTC)I'm glad I helped to catch Chie.
I'm grateful for your fighting spirit, you've been nothing but a boon to the group from day one. You'll keep going whether I say anything or not. ...Well, I WILL still say it: Keep going!
to Jean
Date: 2015-12-21 11:39 am (UTC)'Stay safe', is what I'm saying.
to Elise
Date: 2015-12-21 11:41 am (UTC)Consider building a fox village for them when you get back, though. The wild's a harsh place, you know! A place to rest one's paws when they can't find a place of their own would surely be appreciated. And if you still don't feel like you've 'made it up to' the group when you get out, you'll definitely feel that way when the fox village is built. I absolutely guarantee it!
to Giovanni
Date: 2015-12-21 11:42 am (UTC)to Bakugou
Date: 2015-12-21 11:45 am (UTC)...I was too much of a coward to do the same with you. Too immature. I gave up immediately. I told myself that of course it'd happen eventually, because we were too different in very important ways. At the time of my writing this, we still haven't properly spoken. About anything, let alone try to resolve our fight.
And now I'm dead, and all you have is that. That must be horrible. I'm sorry. I'd probably hate myself. Not that I'm assuming you hate yourself. I don't know how you feel about me after that fight, but I know it's nothing good. I wish I knew what, though. I wish I had tried to find out. But I was scared, and I didn't. I didn't want to hear from you what is was you thought of me, because I was so afraid of the pain hearing that would surely bring. You still mean a lot to me, Katsuki, even when I'm trying to rearrange my feelings because you don't, it's over.
When you accidentally called me "mom", my heart soared. No one's ever called me that before. I've never had cubs, and I've never had any human children either. So I'm happy I got to hear that before I died.
Thank you for giving me something no one had in 600 years of life. I'm sorry I wasn't better, because you deserved it.
Love, Youko